Remember in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, where Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp)....ok, hold that thought....we all need to stop and stare at Jack for the minute....
He's so sexy! I don't usually drool over movie stars, but he was such a hunk in this movie. A drunk, slightly morally-confused pirate, but cute nonetheless.Ok, back to my point. Captain Jack has a compass that is supposed to lead him to his heart's desire, which at the time is his ship, the Black Pearl. His compass told him which way to go.
Well, that's what I need. I need a compass to help me make all my decisions. I'm always so concerned with doing the right thing...and worried I'll do the wrong.
I'm not asking for perfection, don't think that. I still want personal choice and the ability to make some mistakes, but over all, it'd be nice to know what I was doing was right. I need guidance, that's the word I was looking for.
A while back, I was at a school party in the kindergarten with Remy.
He asked me to hold something for him that was fragile, something all the kids had received as gifts...he didn't want to break it. So, I held it...and tried to help him gather all his stuff...and tried to help this other little kid get her stuff...and I dropped the fragile gift. And it broke. And Remy was devestated. I felt awful....although we were able to get him another one and everything was ok. BUT he said something to me that broke my heart. He said, "Mama, I can never trust you again."
And, over the next two weeks, he brought it up again and again. I messed up. And he didn't forget it. He learned I'm human (although I'm sure I shown him that PLENTY).
When Donny was three years old (eight years ago) I was pulled over by a policeman for missing a sign and taking a right on red where I wasn't supposed to.
Donny has never forgotten that incident and has brought it up over the years.
These are silly examples, but they show that my kids notice when I mess up. And I mess up plenty, trust me.
I'm more worried about the big stuff. Should I be sending my kids to church? We're blasphemus heathens, we don't go or belong to a church. I'm not sure what I think of GOD.
Should the boys be in public school? Would they be getting a better education there?
Did we make the right decision leaving Austin and all their friends? Are we doing the right things? raising them right? Teaching them correctly? It'd sure be handy to have a compass to show me the way.
Where am I now and where do I need to go?
Should I put all my energy into writing and really go for it? Handy, dandy compass is there to tell me the answer.
The Internet has become crucial in my decision making skills. I Google and research most things before I buy them, look into medical conditions before heading to the doctor, see what all new books are out before heading to the store...you get the idea.
Then, other times, I turn to people who's expertise and judgment I trust and admire. My mom, my stepfather, my husband, my sisters and various others.
So, in a sense, the Internet and my friends and family guide me like a compass...but damnit, I'd like some guarantees...a warranty assuring me this was the right decision.
Does anyone have a compass like this?
No, I didn't think so. I'd make a gold mine if I could copyright a contraption like that, wouldn't I?
So this post doesn't get too serious, let's end with a picture of the one gal who always has a smile and loves me no matter what decisions I make, as long as I feed and love her.
Annie!
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