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Monday, August 31, 2009

ON RECREATIONAL HOMUNCULI

Doll Mob

The old toys of our childhood possess a special magic.

She Who Must Be Obeyed can tell you all about it. She still has her stuffed Lambie, a treasured Play-Companion from her earliest days. Most of the time, Lambie reposes on a shelf in the closet, as befits a Dowager-Lamb of considerable years... but when the Missus holds that tatterdemalion ovine body, I can almost see her eyes grow misty as the years peel away in her mind.

Alas, I possess no such relics of my Snot-Nose Days. I can remember the toys I played with when I was not much more than a toddler - a rubber giraffe and frog come to mind - but those playthings long ago ended up on some suburban Midden-Heap.

I would imagine that the shamanistic powers of dolls are especially potent, but having grown up in a generation in which dolls were Girl-Playthings, I have no such personal experience. Boys of my age-cohort did not play with Recreational Homunculi; G.I. Joe and other “Action Figures” had not yet been invented. And as much as I enjoyed my model rockets, I cannot imagine forming the sort of affectionate bonds with them that girls form with their dolls, even with a few decades worth of nostalgia thrown in as leavening. I can only go by the second-hand evidence that comes from living in a house full of women... and that evidence says that doll-power is powerful indeed.

To all of my esteemed readers who are scratching their heads and wondering just what ole Elisson is going on about, there is a point to all this. A few months back, SWMBO’s mother celebrated a major birthday, and we were casting about for appropriate gift ideas. It was then that SWMBO remembered that we had, tucked away in a cedar chest, an old doll that had belonged to her Momma.

The doll was, as could be expected from a plaything that was somewhere around sixty-five years of age, not in the best condition. The clothes were missing a few snaps and ribbons; the socks, stained with age, had deteriorated and displayed several holes. Moreover, the internal network of strings and bands that held the doll together was in tatters. But those are all things that could be repaired. How would Mom react to seeing her Old Friend again... all new and shiny? That is the birthday gift we settled on: Have Mom’s doll restored.

Strange as it may seem to the layman, there are people who, either as a living or as a hobby, restore and repair all manner of dolls. And so that is where I brought Nancy Lee - that, by the bye, was the name of this Old Friend - to be brought back to her former glory...

Nancy Lee

It was a slow and lengthy process, to be sure, but today I retrieved the finished article. A simple construct of string, polymeric composition, cloth, ribbon, leather, mohair, and paint, but one that is imbued with a special magic. The magic to bring back memories of a long-ago childhood.

Here she is, all restrung, reconditioned, and with clothing freshly pressed. I can only imagine Mom’s reaction when she sees her childhood Play-Buddy. Perhaps we’ll throw in a box of Kleenex when we pack ol’ Nancy Lee up...

GROW OLD EAT CAKE ALONG WITH ME

SWMBO Rose 1977
She Who Must Be Obeyed, 1977 edition.

Eat cake along with me!
It’s Choc’late, can’t you see?
Your Day of Birth is why this cake was made!
The icing’s rather grand -
Don’t get it on your hand -
Dry Cleaner-Man is looking to get paid!


Today’s cause for celebration is the completion of yet another Circumsolar Journey by my beloved She Who Must Be Obeyed.

We did most of our celebrating this Saturday evening past. Both the Missus and our friend Doctah Marc celebrate birthdays within two days of each other, and so we generally try to have a combined Double-Birthday Happy-Fest. And if you can’t be happy after a well-constructed Martini, a perfectly seared bone-in ribeye steak, a choice of not one, but two candle-laden cakes, all in the presence of good friends - well, you’re just not trying hard enough.

Doctah Marc, Donnie Joe, and SWMBO
Doctah Marc, Donnie Joe, and SWMBO in a celebratory mood.

Birthdays come and birthdays go, and this one of SWMBO’s has no especial numerological significance. The second digit is not a “0” or a “5,” and the total does not represent a critical multiple of important factors. It is also not a prime number.

And yet none of that matters.

The Missus and I, we’ve been together a long time... something on the order of 60% of our entire lives. And somehow, each succeeding year reveals new facets of her personality, new aspects of her to love. Though I should be beyond surprise, every day has the capacity for surprise.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of all is that she still sees fit to put up with me. May it be ever thus.

Happy birthday, my love! I wish you many, many more, all in good health... and in my company!

Haiku for August's End



Early morning fog
Lingers then lifts; Day proceeds,

Blooms fade; Time rolls on.





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Sunday, August 30, 2009

FROM THE ELISSON ARCHIVE...

...comes this collection of Rude Caricatures.

Myron Bazarian
Myron B., music teacher.

Back in my Snot-Nose Days, I cultivated a minor talent for caricature - “minor” being the operative word. My drawings were not especially skilled in likeness or execution... but they provided a certain amount of amusement, as well as being a good way to survive a boring middle-school class or study hall.

Harold Melnick
Harold M., fearsome-looking science teacher.

My subjects, more often than not, were teachers. They were available, they were visually interesting - those wrinkles! Those odd hairstyles! - and they made especially good targets by virtue of their convenient position in front of the classroom.

Chemistry Teacher
Chemistry teacher. For the life of me, I cannot remember his name. Check out the Don Martin feet!

Was there malice aforethought in these drawings? No, no more than the usual amount of malice a student bears for Those Who Inflict Scholarly Labors. They are attempts at childish ridicule aimed at people who, seen from a more adult perspective, were not deserving of it.

I wonder whether they would consider themselves insulted or honored were they to see these pictures today.

[More below the fold.]

Patrick Coyne
Patrick C., social studies teacher.

Myron Bazarian Too
Myron B. again, in a more light-hearted moment.

Fred Hartman
Fred H., social studies teacher.

Ken Sommerman
Ken S., German teacher.

Ken Sommerman Too
The long-suffering Ken S. again.


If you want to destroy my sweater


My 12 yr old son is really into music these days.
He's made a mix CD of rock songs to play in my car.




And I usually enjoy most of his music.
Not all, but most.

Some of it is stuff I listened to in high school, like Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, AC/DC.

Good stuff.

Sometimes, even after I drop him off at school around 7:15am,
and I'm driving to work...his songs stay in my head.
And make me think.

"If you want to destroy my sweater,
hold this thread while I walk away."

Wise Words from Weezer.

I get it.

I can't always see my sweater, but it's there.
Brightly colored and bizarre...

and it's been unraveling.

I'm trying to learn how to sew.


FUZZY FRIDAY - ON SUNDAY

The whispers pass from Snake to ’Gator:
“O, what has become of the Modulator?
The Friday Ark has not set sail!”
Thus do the dogs and kitties wail.

Fear not! Good Cap’n Steve is here;
Though late, his presence gives us cheer.
A Sunday sailing may seem strange,
But circumstances dictate change!


Those circumstances, being a household move for Cap’n Steve, have resulted in a late - but welcome - boarding for Friday Ark #258. It’s up now, and all the critters are beside themselves with joy to know that the good Captain is OK. Let’s all wish him good fortune as he begins modulating (whatever that means) from his new Base o’ Operations!

And for those who crave more Kitty Kitnis, Carnival of the Cats #285 will be posted later today at When Cats Attack!

Update: CotC #285 is up.

RAINY DAY SUNDAY

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just’s umbrella.

- Lord Bowen

Right now, we are experiencing a deluge of Noahide proportions. A real Toad-Choker. Like a cow pissing on a flat rock, as Billie Bob, my father-in-law of Blessèd Memory, was wont to say.

We can use the rain, sure - but think of how much more useful it’d be, say, in Southern California, where it might serve to quench a few of those wildfires...

Tablescapes

Yesterday I was the guest speaker at a luncheon in Wayneville. This yearly fundraising event put on by the women of Grace Episcopal Church is called "Tablescapes" and it featured some of the best-dressed tables you'll ever see. The one in the picture above was on the theme of my first book Signs in the Blood and it included a blood-red centerpiece, tiny plastic snakes (a nod to the snake-handlers,) earth-colored excelsior as a stand-in for the soil of Full Circle Farm, and a New-Age-ish mobile over the table to evoke the Star Children's cult. And there were packets of herb seeds at each place.

The luncheon was well attended -- almost a hundred women. And among them was one long-lost friend from my high school days in Tampa -- there she is on the right below -- Elizabeth Neely. It's been almost fifty years but I recognized her at once. There were a number of other Florida and Tampa folks there and at times it was like old home week. Waynesville has always been popular with a lot of Tampans.
It's fun talking to a group of women like this -- they were a mixture of native North Carolinians, folks like myself from away who'd been there a long time, and newer residents who "got here as soon as they could," as the saying goes. I love it when I talk about my experiences getting to know my local neighbors and I love it when I look out at the audience and see heads nodding -- because they've had similar experiences.

Afterward, when I was signing books, one lady came up, thanked me for my talk, and said,"I really enjoyed listening to you. I feel like I could ask you over for coffee."

And I love that too.

(Click here for a web album with pictures of more gorgeous tables with their amazing decorations. The quality of my photos is pretty mediocre -- I was zipping around and snapping pictures and talking to people and though I tried to get all the tables, one or two came out way too blurry to keep. But they were all beautiful.)

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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Punky Rhea



Name: Rhea (pronounced "ray-ah")

Age: 32

Occasion: 80's Day at work

Result: Punky Rhea




Morning Reflections


Caught in the door's grid
The morning sun calls to me:
Don't wait, it whispers.



Now is the moment;
Here is the place. Seize the day
Now ~ and go in grace.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

THE FRIDAY FACE-FEEDING

Our friend Gary is a Temporary Bachelor while his bride JoAnn delivers a U-Haul truck full of daughter Jennifer’s furniture and worldly goods unto her new home in Columbus, Ohio... and so we invited him to break bread with us.

It was a mini-celebration of sorts, given that the Mistress of Sarcasm had just returned home after a week on the road, performing her College Recruitment Activities to eager mobs of high schoolers in Columbus - albeit Georgia, not Ohio. A perfect excuse to tie on the feedbag... and tie it on we did.

Here da Bill of Fare:
  • Arugula and Mâche Salad with Pecorino Romano, Toasted Pine Nuts, and Shallot-Dijon Mustard Vinaigrette

  • Sliced Golden Heirloom Tomato with Home-Grown Basil, Sea Salt, and Extra-Virgin Olive Oil

  • Buttered Haricots Verts

  • Roasted Salmon Filet with Potlatch Seasoning

  • Pan-Sautéed Hanger Steak with Shallot-Merlot Reduction

  • Baked Purple Sweet Potatoes with Apricot-Ginger Relish
All of this was washed down with copious lashings of J. Lohr Estates Los Osos Paso Robles Merlot 2005. Superb.

Nicest thing about all this - aside from the eating thereof, of course - was that it took a grand total of forty minutes, end-to-end, to put it all together. Well, not exactly - I had made the apricot-ginger relish earlier in the day. But that took minimal effort.

Perhaps a nice bitter digestif before I retire for the evening: Fernet Branca or Averna. Then I can paraphrase the great C.S. Calverley:

“...That bedward-going, I may soothly say
‘Fate cannot touch me: I have dined today.’”

FRIDAY RANDOM TEN

Oh, boy: It’s Friday!

My long-suffering Esteemed Readers know what that means. It’s time for that weekly compilation of Randomized Musical Miscellany, pooched out by the iPod d’Elisson.

What’s playing this week? Lessee:
  1. Ansarun - Gender Wayang Sukawati

  2. Häntä Hellii Käärme - Alamaailman Vasarat

  3. Bodhisattva - Steely Dan

  4. Lyin’ Ass Bitch - Fishbone

    Lalalala Lalalalala
    Lalalala Lalalalala
    Lalalala Lalalalala
    Lalalala Lalalalala

    I knew her and she knew me
    When she asks me to introduce him
    When I did we were three
    Until she tried to seduce him

    I really thought our love was much too strong
    But that little slut just proved us wrong
    I still care and that’s my fatal flaw
    Cause sharing you will surely kill us all!

    She’s just a...
    Lalalala Lalalalala

    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she really doesn’t

    She swears that her heart’s for you
    And she swears that her love never ends
    She swears that she’s all for you
    As she messes around with your friends

    I really thought our love was much too strong
    But that little slut just proved us wrong
    I still care and that’s my fatal flaw
    Cause sharing you will surely kill us all!!

    She’s just a...
    Lalalala Lalalalala

    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she really doesn’t

    She’s just a...
    Lalalala Lalalalala

    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she doesn’t
    You’re nothing but a little lyin’ ass bitch!
    You know she says she loves you but you know she really doesn’t

    This song is dedicated to Lying Ass Yvette

    The lyin’, piss off, sack of shit
    Slut trash can scummish
    Dirt bag... Biiiitch!!!!!!!


  5. Something/Blue Jay Way - The Beatles

  6. Tell It to the Gov’nor - Béla Fleck & The Flecktones

  7. Hungry Freaks, Daddy - A Tribute Band for FZ

  8. Zol Nokh Zayn Shabes - The Klezmer Conservatory Band

  9. Horn - Phish

  10. Vessels - Philip Glass

It’s Friday. What are you listening to?

William and Miss Susie Hutchins



William is cautious around cats; he thinks it might be a good idea to leave.

Miss Susie Hutchins agrees.



But then she says something that questions his manliness and he resolves to stick it out. After all, he was there first. And surely his people won't let this cat hurt him.

Surely. . .


"Well, oh yeah?" he says, challenging her feline superiority. It's the snappiest comeback he can think of. He regrets it at once and looks away, pretending he didn't say anything at all.

Miss Susie Hutchins is not amused. And for the five hundred millionth time, she thanks the cat goddess Bast that she was not born a dog.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm a Hope Dealer

Wow.
Everyone seems to think I'm in the porno industry.

I'm not.

Those were some great guesses though.



I work for the coolest company ever.
It's a credit restoration company.




I know credit repair has a bad rap...
because there are so many companies out there who promise things they shouldn't
and prey on people who really need help.

My company really does help people.
We work to educate people on credit, so they won't make the same mistakes.
We don't charge an arm and a leg either...
because hello, people who need credit repair don't have lots of spare money.

We love hearing from clients who have been able to purchase a home,
because we helped raise their credit score 150 points.



Our goal IS to provide hope to people.
To teach them.
To protect them about their rights.

To do a little good in our corner of the world.

Have you ever looked at your credit report?
Have you ever used a credit repair company?

By the way, I write the blog on my company's website.
hehe
Figures, right?!


ON SKY AND PIE

How was my day today?

Dawn 082709
Morning light, August 27, 2009.

Well, it started with sky...

Greenwood’s Pies
Pies lined up at Greenwood’s on Green Street.

...and ended with pie.

The rest, as they say, is commentary.

How Can You Be in Two Places at Once?


Today I'm over at Bethany Warner's blog, reminiscing about my first Bouchercon and my first visit to a Big City (Chicago) on my own.

Please come over and leave a comment so I won't feel like the wallflower at the dance!

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

WELL-ADJUSTED

Reading this story of Eric’s, in which he talks about receiving the “mumbo jumbo voodoo crap” ministrations of his chiropractor, made me chuckle... because said ministrations are all too well known to certain denizens of Chez Elisson.

At first it was the Mistress of Sarcasm, who began a chiropractic treatment plan while she was residing in the suburbs of Nashville. Upon moving here to Atlanta, she found a new Chiro-Practitioner, one with whom she is eminently satisfied. And now the Missus is in the midst of her own treatment plan.

I suppose it is only a matter of time before I, too, become Well-Adjusted.

Chiropractic is a bizarre little corner of the medical world, inhabiting a twilight zone between scientific medicine and alternative healing. The spinal column, along with its associated musculature and nerves, is viewed as the fundamental key to good health, with most ailments somehow traceable to spinal misalignment, chronic degenerative conditions, or related issues. You’ll hear mysterious terms like “vertebral subluxation complex” nowhere else but at a chiropractor. There’s a goodly amount of mind-over-matter involved as well: D. D. Palmer, the founder of chiropractic, regarded the discipline as partially religious in nature.

Now, as for me, I’m somewhat of a skeptic. I’m not entirely convinced that a spine-poppin’ backrub is going to cure my erysipelas, catarrh, chilblains, diabeetus, or scrofula, much less any basal-cell carcinomas I may (Gawd forbid) happen to develop... but it’s hard to argue with results, which in the case of both the Missus and the Mistress have been positive. And even the Missus’s Ob-Gyn has given chiropractic his seal of approval, so who am I to be a Doubting Thomas?

SCREWED UP

SWMBO Skull

“Screw.”

What a wonderful, useful word.

It can refer to the sexual act: “They were screwing in the back seat.” (Presumably, this is a more effective style of coupling than simply nailing someone.)

It can be used as an insult, hurled as an epithet. “Screw you.”

It can refer to a person’s being non compos mentis: “He’s screwy.” “Mona has a screw loose.”

It can indicate an unsatisfactory state of affairs: “They just transferred me to the most screwed up sales territory west of the Mississippi.”

And, of course, it can refer to a piece of hardware that is used to connect various objects, a simple device consisting of an inclined plane wrapped around a cylinder: “That deck will stand up to a hurricane - Charlie put it together with screws instead of nails.”

Well, I am here to tell you that She Who Must Be Obeyed is screwed up...

...but not in a bad way. As you can see from the X-ray photograph above, her jaw is riddled with little titanium screws, a legacy of the mandibular extension surgery she had three years ago. They were put in there to hold her jawbone together until it knit in its new configuration... and to provide Joke-Fodder for years afterward.

Yeah, the Missus is screwy, all right...

...and after she reads this post? I’m screwed.

TODAY’S PITH AND VINEGAR

We caught an evening showing of Julie & Julia yesterday...

I can heartily recommend this movie, seeing as how it concerns itself with two things that are dear to my heart: Blogging and Food. (Yes, the story is based on a real, honest-to-Gawd blog. There’s hope for us all!) The film captures subtleties such as the self-absorption of bloggers and their obsession with garnering the approval of complete strangers, as evidenced by hits and comments. Also, Meryl Streep’s evocation of Julia Child is... uncanny.

But She Who Must Be Obeyed put everything in perspective as we exited the theatre.

“A blog. That’s what you leave in the toilet.”

CAMELOT IN TWILIGHT

Teddy KennedySenator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy, the last of the Brothers of Camelot, has died at the age of 77 after his year-plus-long bout with brain cancer.

The youngest of the four sons of Joseph P. Kennedy Sr., Ted was the only one to survive past the 1960’s. Like his elder brothers, he had Presidential dreams... but any hope he may have had of succeeding to his brother John’s place in the White House was drowned in the cold waters off Chappaquiddick forty years ago last month.

Despite the ensuing scandal, he became an effective senator, beloved by his constituents and able to work both sides of the aisle. His latest - and, as yet, uncompleted - mission was to reform this country’s health care system. But Kennedy, a co-sponsor of the clusterfuck known as No Child Left Behind, had had previous experience in drafting well-intentioned but completely botched-up legislation. I’m scared to death thinking what kind of health-care reform bill may still get shoved down our throats, especially now that its passage will be seen as a memorial to Teddy.

But I didn’t write this post to badmouth the man. Plenty of other folks will be all too happy to take him to task for his excessive drinking, his philandering, his unwillingness to face the consequences of his actions.

Oops.

No, I wanted to write this as an excuse to link to the one real Teddy Kennedy story I have... about the day I sat in Teddy’s Senate seat. Literally.

Teddy, ave atque vale. No need to pack your woolens - I suspect you won’t need ’em.

Oops.

Riddle me this



I love my job.
But I've never fully shared what it is I do.

Can you guess?

Here are some hints:

I work in an industry that doesn't have a the best reputation. (gasp!)
I work for a company that focuses on integrity and excellent customer service.

I'm a hope dealer.





The Cherokee Peach



Hit was washday and I was haulin water from the spring when Levy Johnson come down the mountain. My fire was goin good but I needed me some more water for the rinsin. Levy was on his way to help Daddy with plowin the corn and he was ridin a big sorrel mare, all geared up, but when he saw me he slid down from the mare's back and said, I'll tote them heavy pails for you.

His hair was the color of Mister Tomlin's gold pieces and his face was smooth and put me in mind of the ripe peaches on our red-leaved Cherokee peach tree. I smiled when I thought this for just then the sun broke through the morning mist and I could see the fuzz, same as a peach has, all along Levy's jawbone.



When I wrote that scene in Signs in the Blood, I had this particular peach tree in mind -- red leaves, small pinky-red peaches. I have no idea what the varietal name of our peach tree (which grows down at our pond --not by the cabin) might be. But I know how free and easy my older neighbors were with proper names of plants and it seemed not unlikely that Little Sylvie might have known a red-leaved peach as a Cherokee.

A recent post on the Dorothy L list about authors who don't exercise due diligence in their research got me thinking and I asked Mr. Google about Cherokee peach. Turns out there is one -- but I doubt it's the same.

I also learned that peaches were a very early introduction to the Americas -- probably brought in by the Spaniards -- and they 'went wild' so long ago that many people (myself included) assumed they were native.

Peaches were cultivated by the Native Americans and one of the many sad stories from the Trail of Tears was that the soldiers destroyed the Cherokee orchards to force them away from their land.

But peaches are stubborn and wherever the fruit drops, before long a new tree will spring up. Resilient-- like the Cherokee.


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