ASK MR. DEBONAIR

Dear Mr. Debonair,

This thoughtful post by a gentleman who calls himself “Velociman” got me to thinking about the matter of Manly Fragrances. Is it appropriate for a man to use Cologne Water and the like... or is it a Metrosexual Affectation? Inquiring minds want to know.

Sincerely,
Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring,

I applaud you for your fearlessness and candor in putting forth your inquiry. But I must hasten to assure you that there is nothing unmanly in the use of materials that impart a pleasant scent. Gentlemen have been connoisseurs of Bodily Aroma Enhancement since before the primitive Neanderthal crouched in his cave and distilled the first precious drops of Bay Rum.

This is not an unreasonable thing, for the Gentlemanly Corpus, left to its own devices, is capable of developing some remarkably offensive pongs. As Velociman states so eloquently, there is a definite value to a gentleman’s use of some sort of Olfactory Palliative, “because otherwise we would be subjected, ad hoc, to the smell of [his] unwashed armpits and unsanitary, shit-begrimed ass cheeks.”

At the very least, one must take it upon oneself to use an effective deodorant and/or antiperspirant after showering - an act that should be performed, generally, somewhat more often than every other fortnight. But beyond deodorant, there are many possibilities for Osmic Enhancement.

Your aromatic should be carefully selected with an eye toward one’s unique body chemistry. Every one of us reacts differently to scent; it is therefore critical to ensure that the scent one chooses does not react with one’s individual pheromonic pallette to create a less-than-optimum effect. If your friend Charlie smells great with a few drops of Old Spice on his freshly-shaven cheek, well and good; but Old Spice may make you smell like an oven-baked turd. The moral: Be sure to test fragrances privately before wearing them in public.

What fragrances does Mr. Debonair recommend? Ahhh, that is a tricky question indeed, involving as it does the delicate matter of Personal Taste. Over the years, as Mr. Debonair grew out of Noob-Fare like Old Spice (Grandpa’s choice!) and West Indian Lime - past Canoe, Aramis, Drakkar Noir, Kouros, and suchlike - he has gravitated towards products such as Antæus and Egoïste - the latter especially apt for someone who is so invested in the art of Self-Aggrandizement. Your tastes may differ (de gustibus non est disputandum), so feel free to douse yourself with Hai Karate! or Old Spice, you shit-smelling old goat. [Or goat-smelling old shit.]

How to apply one’s favorite Stinkum? Mr. Debonair recommends a drop or two - no more! - on the neck below each earlobe. And if you’re feeling especially frisky, a drop at the base of the Penile Shaft, right where it meets the Old Nut-Sack, can spice up almost any putative Romantic Encounter. Enjoy.