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Thursday, January 31, 2008

THE SMILING MONKEY

Princess Tallulah

The other day I passed the zoo,
And thought, “Whatever shall I do?
Buy a ticket? Go inside?
See the hippo’s mouth so wide?”

Thus with ticket firm in hand,
Entered I in Jungle-Land,
There to take a walk and see
The primitive menagerie.

I came alone, without my spouse,
And headed for the Monkey House
To see our Primate Cousins play,
And hear the things they had to say.

But when I’d got there, and gone in,
A monkey with an evil grin
Affrighted me. Up stood my hair
When fixed with his demonic glare!

“O, Monk! Withdraw thy gaze from me!
Did something I did say or see
Create the rictus on your face -
Or do you hate the Human Race?”

This moved the Monkey not one bit.
Instead, he took a piece of shit
And flung it at me, baseball style,
Still smiling that demonic smile.

I ran ’til I was out of breath.
I’m haunted now by thoughts of Death,
Thanks to the Grinning Monkey-Curse.
I doubt that things could be much worse.

There’s but one Ape can cast a spell
That’s stronger than a Baboon’s Smell,
Whose grin strikes fear in all of us:
The dread Rhesus Sardonicus.

[Image credit: Velociworld, of course. It’s a frickin’ monkey.]

GROUNDHOG DAY APPROACHETH

Groundhog Day is only two days away. The excitement on people’s faces is almost palpable.

I don’t know about you, but I’m almost relieved when it’s finally over.

First of all, the relentless hype has really killed a lot of the joy for me. It used to be, you didn’t hear Groundhog Day music in every frickin’ retail establishment in the world - at least, not until right after New Year’s Day, when the holiday season “officially” begins. Not any more. Now, Groundhog Carols are the order of the day, 24/7, starting right after Thanksgiving. It’s relentless.

The malls are packed with people doing their last-minute shopping for Groundhog Day gifts, and post offices burn the midnight oil to keep up with the volume of packages and Groundhog Greeting cards. And it’s almost a given in the retail business that 60% of their business is done in the weeks leading up to Christmas; most of the remaining 40% comes from Groundhog Day. A successful ’Hog Season often means the difference between success and failure for small businesses.

That, of course, means hype. Advertising. A constant barrage of TV ads. Postal workers straining under mailbags laden with massive Groundhog Day catalogs.

And then there are the decorations. It seems that everybody is constantly trying to outdo the Joneses, putting up ever-more-elaborate displays. Lights by the megawatt, inflatable groundhog lairs...sometimes it makes me yearn for a simpler time, a time when every family dug a simple hole in the front yard, and Dad was content with a handmade cardboard top hat.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m hardly a Groundhog-Scrooge. I love this time of year as much as anybody. Holiday parties, the special seasonal foods, Hog Nog - it’s all good. But sometimes I worry that the real meaning of the day has gotten lost amidst all the hoopla.

After all, isn’t the holiday supposed to be about Phil?

Not Phil as we see him today, surrounded by handlers and media flacks. Just Phil, the simple woodland creature, on a mission from God to predict the weather. His message is one of peace and dignity, one that is immune from the cares of the everyday world. Global warming? Kyoto? Photo ops? News reporters? Pfaugh. Punxsutawney Phil cares not for these things.

They are merely temporal - and temporary. But the light of Phil’s love is eternal.

Put the Ground back in Groundhog Day! And may your Groundhog Day be sweet.

80 FILLUMS

Here’s a complete waste of time, courtesy of Oddybobo. It’s a Movie Meme.

The rules are simple: Copy the list of movies below and mark off the ones you’ve seen. Add ’em up, and include the number in your post title. How easy is that?

I’ve highlighted the ones I’ve seen in boldface. Feel free to do the same.

Rocky Horror Picture Show
Grease
Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
Boondock Saints
Fight Club
Starsky and Hutch
Neverending Story
Blazing Saddles
Universal Soldier
Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
Along Came Polly
Deep Impact
King Pin
Never Been Kissed
Meet The Parents
Meet the Fockers
Eight Crazy Nights
Joe Dirt
King Kong (1933)
King Kong (1976)
King Kong (2005)

Total so far: 14

A Cinderella Story
The Terminal
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
Passport to Paris
Dumb & Dumber
Dumber & Dumberer (filmed right here in May-Retta!)
Final Destination
Final Destination 2
Final Destination 3
Halloween
The Ring
The Ring 2
Surviving X-Mas
Flubber

Total so far: 17

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
Practical Magic
Chicago
Ghost Ship
From Hell
Hellboy
Secret Window
I Am Sam
The Whole Nine Yards
The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 19

The Day After Tomorrow
Child’s Play
Seed of Chucky
Bride of Chucky
Ten Things I Hate About You
Just Married
Gothika
Nightmare on Elm Street
Sixteen Candles
Remember the Titans
Coach Carter
The Grudge
The Grudge 2
The Mask
Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 21

Bad Boys
Bad Boys 2
Joy Ride
Lucky Number Slevin
Ocean’s Eleven
Ocean’s Twelve
Bourne Identity
Bourne Supremacy
Lone Star
Bedazzled
Predator (featuring two - count ’em! - future governors!)
Predator II
The Fog
Ice Age
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Curious George

Total so far: 26

Independence Day
Cujo
A Bronx Tale
Darkness Falls
Christine
ET
Children of the Corn
My Boss’s Daughter
Maid in Manhattan
War of the Worlds (1953)
War of the Worlds (2005)
Rush Hour
Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 34

Best Bet
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
She’s All That
Calendar Girls
Sideways
Mars Attacks!
Event Horizon
Ever After
The Wizard of Oz
Forrest Gump
Big Trouble in Little China
The Terminator
The Terminator 2
The Terminator 3

Total so far: 41

X-Men
X-2
X-3
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Sky High
Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers 2
Catch Me If You Can
The Little Mermaid
Freaky Friday
Reign of Fire
The Skulls
Cruel Intentions
Cruel Intentions 2
The Hot Chick
Shrek
Shrek 2
Shrek 3

Total so far: 51
Swimfan
Miracle on 34th Street
Old School
The Notebook
K-PAX
Kippendorf’s Tribe
A Walk to Remember
Ice Castles
Boogeyman
The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Total so far: 56

Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 62

Baseketball
Hostel
Waiting for Guffman
House of 1000 Corpses
Devil’s Rejects
Elf
Highlander
Mothman Prophecies
American History X
Three

Total so Far: 63

The Jacket
Kung Fu Hustle
Shaolin Soccer
Night Watch
Monsters, Inc.
Titanic
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Shaun Of the Dead
Willard

Total so far: 66

High Tension
Club Dread
Hulk
Dawn Of the Dead
Hook
Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
28 days later
Orgazmo
Phantasm
Waterworld

Total so far: 69

Kill Bill, Volume 1
Kill Bill, Volume 2
Mortal Kombat
Wolf Creek
Kingdom of Heaven
The Hills Have Eyes
I Spit on Your Grave, AKA The Day of the Woman
The Last House on the Left
Re-Animator
Army of Darkness

Total so far: 69

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
Ewoks: Caravan Of Courage, AKA The Ewok Adventure
Ewoks: The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 75

The Matrix
The Matrix Reloaded

The Matrix Revolutions
Animatrix
Evil Dead
Evil Dead 2
Team America: World Police
Red Dragon
Silence of the Lambs

Hannibal

Final total: 80

“Supposedly, if you’ve seen over 85 movies, you have no life.” Well, either that, or you enjoy this peculiar excrescence of Popular Culture. I don’t know who concocted the list, but it’s as good as any Useless Random List of Pop Culture Ephemera...and, at least, I have a life.

Too bad I took some of the time I saved by not watching most of these movies and pissed it away writing this post.

(And, no, I’m not tagging anybody.)

A Warning


I used to dream vividly almost every night but now that I'm writing, it's only occasionally. I guess my imagination gets enough exercise when I'm awake. But every once in a while, a real doozy shows up -- like this one, which I turned into a kind of poem.



They lead me down the white glare of beach
To a low chair where an ancient gnome sits in the sun.
I kneel before him in the burning sand,
Struggling to fit transparent green plastic sandals
Onto his soft pink feet.
That's Nietzche, someone tells me,
You got to watch him for he's bad to shoplift.




If there's a "deeper meaning" to this little slice of surrealism, I don't want to know about it.
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

WE ARE AMATEURS

By “we,” I refer to the Cadre of Crapbloggers with whom many of my Esteemed Readers are familiar: Velociman, Og, Kevin Kim, and the late, lamented Acidman. And me, of course.

Did I leave anyone out? [Laurence Simon may be So Full of Crap, His Eyes Are Brown™, but he rarely writes about it.]

Yes, we are amateurs.

Now, read a story by a professional. A medical professional.

And then consider: There are normally a couple of big differences between giving birth and taking a dump. You get to keep the baby...and the baby is much larger than your stool. But not always...

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to Leslie for the link.]

A Living Language




"The living language is like a cow-path: it is the creation of the cows themselves who, having created it, follow it or depart from it according to their whims or needs. From daily use, the path undergoes change. A cow is under no obligation to stay."

E.B White


I love White's image. As a writer, I find that I need to travel many paths in order to tell the story as it should be told. The main path -- that well-traveled one labeled Correct English Usage -- is the one I try to stick to for the narrative portions of my writing. I may unintentionally stray now and then, as I slip into the comfortable Southern idiom of my upbringing, but generally I aim for the English teacher's ideal -- grammatical, with word usage and punctuation as close to standard as I can make them.

Occasionally I rebel. For example, my spell-checker, my dictionary, and my copy-editor all tell me that Realtor must always be capitalized. I disagree, feeling that it gives the word too much importance in a sentence (sorry, Sallie Kate) and continue to make it lower-case.

When I'm writing dialogue, those alternative paths of slang and dialect are crucial to making characters, with all their differences of age, education, and upbringing, come alive. I dearly enjoy exploring those side paths of language. Here again, I test my copy-editor's patience with my use of the North Carolina mountain talk as I've heard it. The dialect is not one-size-fits-all -- some older characters may use atter and hit, their children will say after and it, and both generations will say you uns. Or perhaps y'uns -- it seems to differ from family to family. Elizabeth, from the South, though not the mountains, says you all (which my poor long-suffering copy editor wants to hyphenate or change to y'all.

I just change it back, being, as White says, under no obligation to stay.




JANUARY GUILD EVENT

It’s been a while since our last Sommelier Guild event, which means that it is time once again to enjoy eating and drinking like a bunch of SRF’s.

[Anyone familiar with the Grouchy Old Cripple, the estimable gentleman who got me sucked into involved with the Guild, knows that SRF stands for Snotty Rich Fuck. It is a Badge of Honor, for while anyone can be a snotty fuck, it takes Capital Assets to be a snotty rich fuck.]

This tasting ought to be a good ’un. It will be held at the Culinary Institute of Atlanta’s Creations Food Lab. I figure these peeps should know their food...and for damn sure, the Guild folks definitely know their wine.

What’s on the menu? Glad you asked.

Speaker’s Wine
Tokay Pinot Gris, Vieille Vignes, L. Albrecht, 1995

Appetizer
Chambolle-Musigny, Premier Cru, Les Sentiers, Groffier 2000
Etude Heirloom Pinot Noir, 2000

Seared Sea Scallop with Smoked Gouda Grits, Collard Greens and Pot Liquor Jus
or
Fettuccine Carbonara with Housemade Fettuccine, Fresh Peas, Bacon Lardons, and a Cream Sauce
or
Roasted Pork Tenderloin, Warm Apple and Red Cabbage Slaw, “German Potato Salad” Latke
and Grain Mustard Sauce

Soup
Corton-Charlemagne, Girardin, 2000
Martinelli Chardonnay, 1999

Lobster Bisque with Herbed Pâte à Choux

Salad
Silex, D. Dageneau, 1999
Sauvignon Blanc, Walter Hansel, 2005

Roasted Beet and Goat Cheese Napoleon with Citrus and Micro-green Salad and an Orange Vinaigrette
or
Citrus Marinated Asparagus, Baby Greens, Cucumber-Carrot Slaw, Caramelized Shallot-White Balsamic Vinaigrette
or
Roasted Butternut Squash with Greens, Dried Figs, Blue Cheese, Toasted Pumpkin Seeds, and a Cider Vinaigrette

Intermezzo
Blood Orange Sorbet

Entrée
Cabernet Franc, Quilliams, 2001
Cabernet Sauvignon, Quilceda Creek, 2000

Marinated Grilled Teres Major with Melted Swiss Chard, Pine Nuts and Tomato Confit, Herbed Spaetzle, and Mushroom Veal Reduction
or
Oven Roasted Breast of Game Hen, Braised Bok Choy, Sweet Potato Gratin, Port Infused Game Hen Jus Lié

Dessert
Recioto della Valpolicella, Bussola, 1997
Chocolate Molten Cake with Champagne-Cherry Sauce and Almond Praline Ice Cream
or
Tokaji Aszu, 5 Puttonyos, Disznoko, 1993
Crème Caramel with Churros and Rum Marinated Seasonal Fruit
or
Vin Santo de Chianti Classico, Felsina, Berardenga, 1993
Mulled Wine Poached Pear with Mascarpone Sorbet, Caramel Sauce and a Butter Crisp

Ahh, decisions, decisions.

Update: Possibly the best meal/tasting I’ve had since joining the Guild. The stuff I ate and drank is highlighted in red.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

SUSHI BAR MADONNA

Sushi Bar Madonna

I went out to the Sushi Bar,
Because I had a taste
For little chunks of Gizzard Shad
Enrobed in Miso Paste.

They brought my o-shibori, hot
For me to wipe my hands
And stimulate the workings of
The Salivary Glands.

They brought a dish of Pickled Fish
With tentacles ’n’ stuff.
I wolfed it down and smacked my lips.
The portion, just enough.

Then came nigiri-zushi, which
Is Fish on pads of Rice.
Maguro, saba, sake, tai,
All raw - and very nice.

But what’s this in my dish of Soy
That sits beside my place?
Two eyes, a beatific smile -
Why, it’s a Happy Face!

A saintly grin absolveth sin:
A miracle, no less...
The Virgin of the Sushi Bar
Sent here to heal and bless!

[Picture credit: the Mistress of Sarcasm.]

Blogging for Patry



Sisters in Crime is an organization dedicated to promoting the careers of women writing crime fiction. They take the sisterhood thing seriously. I recently received the following request from them and, while I don't know Patry or her book, I was moved by her situation and by the strength and beauty of the writing in her blog.


"Fellow author, Patry Francis, was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and is in a hospital in Mass. I strongly urge everyone to read Patry's blog, "Simply Wait"( http://simplywait.blogspot.com/ ) where she chronicles this difficult journey with elegance,poise, courage and humor. A "Blog Day" is being organized on her behalf. I know several SINC chapters have already joined in but here's the info on how everyone can help. Patry Francis is a talented author and lovely person whose debut suspense novel THE LIAR'S DIARY came out last spring in hardcover from Dutton. The trade paper release is January 29th,but a few weeks ago, Patry was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. She's had several surgeries, and her prognosis is good, but given that Patry won't have much energy for promoting, a number of bloggers are banding together to do it for her.' THE LIAR'S DIARY blog day' is going to be held January 29th. Folks who wish to participate are asked to mention the book on their blog that day and link to Patry's website ( www.patryfrancis.com ) and the book's purchase page on Amazon, Bloggers are also asked to encourage their readers to buy one/buy one for a friend between January 29th and Feb 1."


Why between those dates? I guess it's in hopes of giving the book a bump in the ratings -- a nice spot of encouragement for someone at a low point.
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MATATA, MULTIPLIED

Herewith a few pictures of Matata just being her insufferably sweet self.

Linen Closet Matata
“Hey, lookit me...I’m a towel!”

My Little Matata
Matata, the Lap Cat.

Nap Nap Revolution
Let’s play Nap Nap Revolution!

Baluster Matata
Catching some morning rays.

Perched on Mommy’s Shoulder
Not as articulate as a parrot, but definitely hairier. Arrrhh!

AIN’T TECHNOLOGY WONDERFUL?

Last week, when we took our Long Weekend in Destin, our friends Gary and JoAnn provided the wheels. They have a sweet Lexus SUV that gets reasonably good mileage and is plenty comfortable.

And they also have that latest in Technological Marvels: a Garmin GPS navigation device.

There’s something almost magical about having a little box in your car that, somehow, knows exactly where you are. (It’s also a little scary. Because if the little box can figure out where you are, then so can the people who program the little box.)

You can use the thing to help you locate a restaurant on the highway...or to warn you of traffic issues before you’re right on top of them. It’ll even reroute you around trouble spots based on real-time traffic data.

Alas, no Technological Marvel is perfect. The Garmin (I use the term generically here) can get you out of a tight spot if you make a wrong turn in an unfamiliar neighborhood, but sometimes it recommends routes that just don’t make real-world sense. You can avoid a lot of grief if you know how the thing decides how to route you a particular way.

And if the map files are not up-to-date, hilarity can ensue.

Submitted for your entertainment, a story about a Garminesque Techno-Snafu. There’s a stretch of US Highway 431 between Phenix City and Eufaula, Alabama - a particularly horrible stretch of road that I’ve written about before - that is being modernized: the old two-lane deathtrap now has been supplemented by another set of lanes running more-or-less parallel to it. As a four-lane divided highway, it’s not quite so horrible now.

Only trouble is, the Garmin’s map files are based on older data. They don’t have that extra set of lanes in there.

So here we are, tooling down the road...

Garmin 1

...when suddenly the Garmin starts shouting, “Return to the highlighted route! Return to the highlighted route! Return to the highlighted route! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!”

Garmin 2

By which, of course, it means to say, “Get back on the fucking road, you crazy douche!” Or something equally pungent.

It was obvious what had happened. We were driving on the new set of lanes - the ones that had not yet been added to the Garmin’s map database. It must’ve thought we had lost our cheese completely. Take a wrong turn, and the Garmin will recalculate a new route. Drive off the pavement and it’ll blow a gasket.

The Missus was driving when this happened. It got her to laughing so hard, she could barely see to drive.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Were You Raised in A Barn?

My older boy is able to answer that question affirmatively, if not entirely accurately. He did live with us in this barn for three summers -- the last summer stretching till the end of October.

The first summer was 1973. Our son was not quite one, not quite walking. We had just bought our farm and were camping out in the upper part of the barn, getting to know the place and our neighbors. The following summer my husband and a friend were building our house -- getting it to the 'dried in' stage before we had to return to our teaching jobs in Florida. And the third summer, we were back with all our belongings and various helpful friends and family, making the big push to finish the house before cold weather.


Unfortunately, it began to get cold toward the end of October and when we awoke one morniong to find snow on our sleeping bags, we moved into the unfinished house where we at least had a wood stove. What bliss!

It was a wonderful experience though, living like in the barn -- cooking on a Coleman stove, bathing in the branch or in a washtub, the big entertainment at night watching the lightning bugs. When we moved to the house we actually said that we should move back to the barn every summer -- but of course we didn't.

I made use of the experience in Old Wounds -- the barn that Elizabeth's family is living in is based on our barn and that dark rectangle there on the front is a shutter which, when pushed up is the window Rosie sat at to watch Miss Birdie and Cletus come up the road.

And my older son has an excuse for all time for any less than polite behavior he may commit.
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I DON’T CARE IF IT RAINS OR FREEZES...

...Long as I got me one of these:

Plastic Jesus
Found Art, of the Sacred Variety, from a north Georgia truckstop.

One of the risks inherent in having a Corporeal Deity is that he may show up in the (you should excuse the expression) damndest forms and places. We saw the above piece of Low-Rent Religious Art - a Resinous Rood - at a North Georgia truckstop. Inspiring, no?

The fiber-optic illumination system adds a certain je ne sais quoi. The cross sparkles with color, the clouds below it glow with internal fire.

There’s a story - probably apocryphal - of a piece of kitschy Hong Kong artwork, consisting of the Seven Dwarfs (of Snow White fame) surrounding the manger in which lies the Baby Jesus. I’ve never seen it, but it would make perfect sense coming from an Asian culture in which the Seven Dwarfs and the Baby Jesus share a similar status as Alien Pop Culture Icons.

But none of that is as perversely chuckleworthy as this...

Switched-On Jesus
Hey, Junior - quit playing with that light switch!

File this under “Lofty Sentiments Gone Wrong.” As Houston Steve notes, it gives new meaning to the term “Res-Erection.”

[Tip o’ th’ Elisson fedora to Jimbo, who found this little gem here.]

Sunday, January 27, 2008

COVER GIRL

The South Magazine, February 2008
The South Magazine, February-March 2008 issue.
­©2008 The South Magazine. [Click to embiggen.]

Above is one of two covers for the February-March 2008 issue of The South Magazine, Savannah’s bimonthly Arts ’n’ Cultcha Periodical. Does that young lady look familiar, or what?

Funny...when our friend Laura Belle saw the magazine, she did not recognize the Mistress of Sarcasm at first, thanks largely to the makeup and hairstyle. Then she allowed that the picture resembled a combination of Elder Daughter and the Mistress.

At first I didn’t agree...but now perhaps I do, because it also resembles this other Close Relative:

The Momma d’Elisson
The Momma d’Elisson, 1943.

Spooky, ain’t it?

The Kindness of Margaret Maron

Whoopee!!! I just received a wonderful cover quote for In A Dark Season.

Margaret Maron is past president of Mystery Writers of America and also of Sisters in Crime. More importantly, she's a native North Carolinian and the author of the North Carolina based Judge Deborah Knott mysteries. I've long admired this series, from the first book -- Bootlegger's Daughter, which won all four major mystery awards when it was released -- to the latest, Hard Row, the thirteenth in the series. Margaret knows whereof she speaks when it comes to North Carolina; that's what makes her commendation of my new book so sweet.

******Vicki Lane writes of Appalachia as if she’d been driving up our hills and through our hollows her whole life. In a Dark Season richly blends past and present into a suspenseful tale of love and lust. In showing us how memory lingers like a smoky mist across the mountains, Lane reminds us again that the past never completely dies. ***************

Asking a busy writer (and in Margaret's case, a writer I've only met briefly) to take the time to read an Advance Reading Copy with all its typos and uncorrected errors is painful in the extreme -- but just part of the unending business of getting a book noticed. When my first Elizabeth Goodweather book came out, Sharyn McCrumb, another of my favorite authors, very kindly gave me a blurb and I don't know how many people have told me that seeing her favorable comment on the cover was what convinced them to pick up this book by an unknown author. So I grit my teeth and write a letter or an email and once again, rely on the kindness of (comparative) strangers. Fortunately, mystery writers seem to be an extremely generous and supportive community.

I'm eagerly looking forward to seeing the book cover when it comes out on May 20 -- with a lovely quote from a writer I deeply admire -- Margaret Maron.

http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Row-Margaret-Maron/dp/0446582433/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201473037&sr=1-1
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Art in Motion




I've never liked jellyfish. In fact, I've always feared them...until I saw the jellyfish exhibit at the Monterey Bay Aquarium: Jellies: Living Art. I was blown away. The colors, the flowing and undulating movement, it was all amazing. The silence accentuated their beauty and I could have spent all day taking it in.


I still wouldn't want to swim with them, but now I appreciate their beauty. Nature can be so truly incredible.


Saturday, January 26, 2008

Birthdays


My younger son was born in '78 and I can't escape the fact that he's turning thirty. As I'm cleaning house and getting ready to prepare a birthday dinner, I'm remembering him as the beautiful little baby who was the cause of at least three pregnancies in my group of friends.

Wait! I can explain. But I have to tell you this story.

My husband was at the hardware store about a year after this child's birth. One of our acquaintances, an imposing figure of a man, approached and loomed over him. "My wife's pregnant and it's your fault," he said, pointing a menacing finger.

My husband was speechless, his mind racing furiously. He certainly had never . . . . Then the other fellow grinned. "That baby you all had was so damn cute, she decided she just had to have another one." As time went on, two more friends told me the same thing.

He was cute. As was his older brother. And now they're handsome. And I am the luckiest of mothers in that they've both chosen to live on our farm.
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Mother's Love


Friday, January 25, 2008

GETTING MUGGED

Some people collect coffee mugs the way a pit bull from the Michael Vick Dawgfightin’ Stables might collect fleas. Or toothmarks.

I am not one of those people.

But I do recognize quality when I see it.

Waffle House Mug

Sweet.

NEW HEIGHTS OF USELESSNESS

The Missus had a jones for Chinese food this evening, so I popped over to the local take-out joint and ordered up a few items. While waiting for the food, I wandered over to the adjacent Stein-Mart to pick up a couple of pairs of socks. Sock replenishment is important, because the inventory in the ol’ Sock Drawer tends to diminish with time as socks get sucked into the Gateway to Another Dimension that lurks in the back of the dryer. Perhaps that is where Sock-Monkeys are born...but I digress.

While in the Stein-Mart, I saw a product that struck me as being one of the most colossally useless devices ever to be invented, built, mass-produced, and offered up to an increasingly stupid populace.

It was - get this! - a Watch Winder, for winding self-winding watches.

A watch winder for winding self-winding watches.

Great Googly-Moogly. Is that not gob-smackingly, astonishingly useless-sounding? Useless to a degree that, by comparison, makes Boar-Tits a requirement for everyday living?

How lazy a bastard must you be, that you must have a special device that will wind your watch for you...a watch that requires nothing but to be worn on the wrist for thirty minutes a day, and, failing that, needs only a few gentle twists of the stem?

I didn’t even look at the price; I was too thunderstruck at the very existence of this Fine Product. But a quick Internet search reveals that these babies can easily cost upwards of a couple Benjamins. Luxury models go for thousands.

Send me the money and I’ll wind your fucking watch for you, ya lazy twat.

It’s reassuring to know that the human mind - the mind that has learned to split the atom, to send men to the Moon and back again, to build mighty bridges and skyscrapers, to transplant hearts and lungs - can create such marvels.

I guess it’s time I turned my hand to inventing. At least as much as the world needs a Self-Winding Watch Winder, it needs a device to splatter urine on the floor of the Men’s Room. I have a few ideas.

Looking Old

One of my favorite emails about my books was from a woman who said, "Elizabeth makes me want to quit dyeing my hair and be who I am."

Back in high school I had dyed hair-- my mother's attempt to make me more glamorous -- just to 'brighten up' my rather ordinary dark brown hair. Then I got into it -- in college I was various shades of strawberry blonde; when I got married, I could be fairly, if somewhat romantically, described as 'raven-tressed.' Then I got over it. What had been fun became tedious. Touching up roots was a real drag. So I got back in touch with my inner brown-haired girl just in time to watch her begin to go gray. (We gray earlier in my family -- except for my mother who became ash blonde.)


The encroaching white hairs never bothered me -- and for quite a while they were limited to a streak or two at my temples. By the time I first heard someone describe my hair as salt-and-pepper, I was the mother of a toddler and teaching full time with not a spare minute to be looking in mirrors. And then I was moving to a farm and milking a cow twice a day and having another baby and raising a garden and still not looking in mirrors. Somehow, by the time I'd taught both sons to drive on our narrow, winding, guardrailless mountain roads, my hair'd become mostly white. Imagine that!

Years ago a visiting friend told me that she'd like to quit dyeing her hair but in her job, she needed to look young. This puzzled me -- but I'd been out of the work force so long that I didn't argue. Now today, I read this article in the NYT about a best-seller How Not to Look Old -- aimed at women over 40 worried about "professional obsolescence and economic vulnerability."

Oy! Why should looking young matter to a professional (unless you're in show biz or a hooker, maybe). Shouldn't it be about how well you do the job; not whether you still look like you're capable of bearing children? And why is it more acceptable for men to age?

Oh dear, this could turn into a rant. But it's a conversation Elizabeth and her sister Gloria are slated to have in book six -- just you wait!

Here's the link to the NYT article -- and the comments are worth reading too, especially number ten, from the man at Attica State Correctional Facility.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/24/fashion/24skin.html?em&ex=1201410000&en=06b6899885b3f203&ei=5087%0A
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FRIDAY RANDOM TEN

Greetings!

It’s Friday, which means it’s time once again for Blog d’Elisson’s Friday Random Ten, the weekly list of ten Random Chunks o’ Musicality as coughed up by the iPod d’Elisson.

It is a bitterly cold day in the northern Atlanta ’burbs, with a (mostly) clear blue sky. When I went to pick up the Daily Fishwrap from the driveway, I noticed that it had a light dusting of snowflakes upon it. A perfect day, therefore, for cuing up th ’Pod and listening to a few Choons as I grind out a few more reams of data for the Great Corporate Salt Mine and await the Sunday arrival of the Mistress of Sarcasm.

What’s on the box today? Let’s find out:
  1. Growin’ Up - Bruce Springsteen

    From his first album, the classic Greetings from Asbury Park, released 35 years ago this month. It’s still my favorite Springsteen.

    I stood stone-like at midnight
    Suspended in my masquerade
    I combed my hair till it was just right
    And commanded the night brigade
    I was open to pain and crossed by the rain
    And I walked on a crooked crutch
    I strolled all alone through a fallout zone
    And came out with my soul untouched
    I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd
    But when they said “Sit down,” I stood up
    Ooh...growin’ up

    The flag of piracy flew from my mast
    My sails were set wing to wing
    I had a jukebox graduate for first mate
    She couldn’t sail but she sure could sing
    I pushed B-52 and bombed ’em with the blues
    With my gear set stubborn on standing
    I broke all the rules, strafed my old high school
    Never once gave thought to landing
    I hid in the clouded warmth of the crowd
    But when they said, “Come down,” I threw up
    Ooh...growin’ up.

    I took month-long vacations in the stratosphere
    And you know it’s really hard to hold your breath.
    I swear I lost everything I ever loved or feared
    I was the cosmic kid in full costume dress
    Well, my feet they finally took root in the earth
    But I got me a nice little place in the stars
    And I swear I found the key to the universe
    In the engine of an old parked car
    I hid in the mother breast of the crowd
    But when they said, “Pull down,” I pulled up.
    Ooh...growin’ up
    Ooh...growin’ up


  2. American Tango - Weather Report

  3. Night and Day - Django Reinhardt

  4. Gimme Dat Harp Boy - Captain Beefheart

  5. Tol’ko s Toboy - Leningrad

    Download this song gratis from Leningrad’s official website.

  6. Beautiful Forest / The Great Hall - Russell Garcia, The Time Machine (1960)

  7. Uncle Remus - Frank Zappa

  8. Parnishka - Leningrad

  9. Song For The Dumped - Ben Folds Five

    We’ve all been there at least once in our lives, haven’t we?

    So you wanted to take a break
    Slow it down some and have some space
    Well fuck you too!

    Give me my money back
    Give me my money back, you bitch
    I want my money back

    Wish I hadn’t bought you dinner
    Right before you dumped me on your front porch

    Give me my money back
    Give me my money back, you bitch
    I want my money back
    ...and don’t forget my black T-shirt


  10. Introduction - Mukhras - Natraj

    Jazz...with an East Indian flavor. Perfect listening while you’re enjoying a plate of chicken korma and garlic naan.

It’s Friday. What are you listening to?

FUZZY FRIDAY

The cats and dogs and other beasts
All queue up for the trip.
They walk upon the gangplank
That takes them to the ship.
The anchor’s weighed, the sails are set,
The cargo is well-stowed,
As Captain Steve casts off and gets
The Show upon the Road.


Friday Ark #175 is afloat once again over at the Modulator.

Also, be sure to tune in Sunday evening as Carnival of the Cats heads over to Bad Kitty Cats for its 202nd installment.

Have I mentioned the Kosher Cooking Carnival? No? Well, I should. KCC #26, the Extreme Weather Kosher Cooking Carnival, is up at me-ander. You say you don’t keep kosher? No matter: these recipes are fine for anyone. Dont’t forget to check out the Root Vegetable post - plenty of good information on these hearty winter foods.

Update: CotC #202 is up...and so is Haveil Havalim (the Jewish Carnival of the Vanities) #151. You can find it over at Random Thoughts.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Writing

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

This quote says it all for me today. Writing is such an incredible freedom. A place to share emotions, to be whatever you want to be, say whatever you want to say. It can be rough, raw feelings or fantastical imagination. Skimming the shallow surface or diving deep into theory and seriousness.

This blog will be about anything and everything.

A FACE FOR RADIO, YET AGAIN

My low-key love affair with radio might have started when I was in high school, discovering the rich sonic depth of FM on our old Grundig, staying up nights listening to Jean Shepherd on WOR-AM, or checking out the local broadcasts in the small Southern towns we sped through on the way to our annual Florida vacations.

Years ago, when I was a college freshman, I took the training course at the University radio station. WPRB, based in Princeton, New Jersey, broadcast its programming over low-power AM to the dormitories, and over the FM airwaves to the surrounding parts of New Jersey. The listening area reached almost to New York City. The programming was mostly music-related, and eclectic to a degree only possible at a major university. No matter how arcane your musical taste, there was probably a show on WPRB that would accommodate you. Organ recitals? No prob. A capella singing groups? Sure. Frank Zappa? Cecil Taylor? Why not?

I never completed the training, alas - my attention began to be occupied by other foolishness, with the Tiger (the campus humor magazine) figuring large. I sat and watched as my friends went on to run late-night shows, running the board themselves and playing Quality Music (a bizarre mixture of rock and avant-garde jazz) in the wee hours...all in complete anonymity.  No radio for Elisson, except as a listener.

But now here it is some 36-37 years later, and radio rears its ugly head again.

Radio Sandy Springs is a local station that has both a low-power AM presence (1620 on the dial, with absolutely no hope of getting a signal more than half a mile from the transmitter) and an Internet footprint. Shows are streamed live as well as podcasted, which effectively removes the distance barrier and replaces it with a “sit your ass in front of the computer” barrier. Unless you download the shows you like and listen to them at your leisure, that is.

A couple of years ago, my Morning Minyan buddy Richard Smith asked me to appear on his weekly morning show, the Sandy Springs Health Hour, in the character of the infamous Dr. Israel Patel.  It was an excuse to natter on for an hour in my version of a comic East Indian accent, plugging nutty products like Dr. Patel’s Lingam Lotion and Dr. Patel’s Bullet Repellent (Not One Unsatisfied Customer!). This led to Richard asking me to fill in for him when he was away on vacation, a genuine Guest Hosting Gig.

The station owner evidently liked what he heard, because he has offered me a regular weekly slot. Beginning this weekend, you can catch me on Sundays between 4 and 5 p.m., Eastern time, at 1620 on your AM dial, or on the Internet at www.radiosandysprings.com. Plus, I’ll have a chance to lay waste to the station’s blog. Oh, boy!

I haven’t decided what to call the show yet. My previous Guest Shots consisted of a combination of storytelling (i.e., ripping crap out of my blog archives and/or reading my 100-word stories), discussing random medical horrors fresh from the Merck Manual, and just plain foolishness. But I can do anything I damn well please, short of dropping the F-Bomb and laying waste the Genteel Aural Neighborhood of which I will be a part. Perhaps I’ll share some Tender Colonoscopic Moments...or a few recipes...or tales of my demented childhood. Who knows what mood, what impulse will seize me?

In my best dreams, I become a beloved American raconteur, a monologuist somewhat in the mold of Spalding Gray, except without the “dead body found floating in the East River” part. Help me realize those dreams...and give me your suggestion for a show title in the comments!

Waiting for Birdseed

We were surprised by several inches of snow today and as usual birds lined up on the crabapple tree to wait turns at our three feeders. We go through almost a hundred pounds of sunflower seeds a month, year round, not to mention a fair amount of thistle seed for the finches. Filling the birdfeeders is the first thing I do every morning -- even before coffee. But what a reward! Mourning doves, juncos, sparrows, nuthatches, chickadees, blue jays, goldfinches, purple finches, titmice, wrens, and cardinals are our most enthusiastic customers at this time of year. A few days ago there were fifteen male cardinals in this tree at one time. They're usually very territorial birds, to the extent of fighting their own reflections in the side mirrors of our parked vehicles. But snow and hunger seem to call for a truce.

The occasional crow scavenges around the base of one birdfeeder, as well as, on warmer days, squirrels, chipmunks, and field mice. There are thrashers and woodpeckers too -- the red-bellied and the downy. And yesterday a huge Pileated Woodpecker took over one feeder -- no other bird came near as he flared his bright red crest and brandished his long beak. What a dramatic bird! When at last he flew off, it made me think of a pterodactyl. No wonder he and his possibly extinct cousin, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, have both been called the "Lord God Almighty" bird. When you hear the clatter of strong wings and the raucous laughing call, or see the damage that big beak can do to a dead tree -- or the side of your wooden house, for that matter -- you can only shake your head and say, "Lord God Almighty, what a bird!"
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SNOOZE

One of the hazards of being in the public eye is that embarrassing moments have a way of catching up with you.

I’m not talking about the really stupid shit that inevitably comes back to haunt certain celebrities. Face it, if you’re going to dangle your kid over the rail of a hotel balcony (à la Michael Jackson), or fall into the Britney Spears / Lindsay Lohan Cycle o’ Personal Destruction, you’re throwing raw meat to the Tabloid Lions. No, I’m talking about little stuff...like a celebrity Booger-Shot, or perhaps falling asleep at an inopportune time, as did Bill Clinton at a Martin Luther King Day observance this week.



All kinds of delightfully snarky Humor Opportunities come bubbling up to the surface here. “I had a dream, too...just now!” “Who’s the Nappy-Head now?” But admit it: Who can blame Bill for falling asleep during a frickin’ speech?

I don’t care who was speaking or who was being honored. Fact is, listening to someone standing behind a lectern and bloviating is a more powerful soporific than a fistful of Ambien. Take it from me, an inveterate Speech Sleeper.

I cannot tell you how many times I have dozed off during corporate meetings. Sitting in a warm room full of bored salespeople, listening to someone drone on and on in front of a screen filled with the PowerPoint Page from Perdition - the kind with 800 bullet points and 276 graphs crammed into a single fucking slide - will have me checking my eyelids for pinholes faster than you can say “NyQuil Nightcap.” And after lunch? Fuhgeddaboudit.

It gets downright embarrassing if I start to snore...because I can snore loudly enough to knock picture frames down from the wall. It’s hard to fly under the radar when your mouth drops open and you start sounding like a fully-loaded Boeing 747 at takeoff. The little dribble of sleep-spittle is an added bonus.

One time, during High Holiday services - a time when Lengthy Pulpit Orations abound - I fell asleep so soundly that, had it not been for SWMBO’s lightning-fast reflexes, I would have suffered a Minor Public Humiliation. She reached out and grabbed me just in time to keep me from toppling right out of the pew into the aisle. [At least it wasn’t our rabbi doing the talking.]

On Yom Kippur, when I lead the Musaf service, I have to exert a special effort to keep from being “Clintonized” as I sit on the bimah during the rabbi’s Yizkor sermon. It’s typically a long one: the Rabbinic Money Shot as it were, the Big Deal toward which everything in the previous year has been building, the Tearjerker of Tearjerkers. And as absorbing and emotionally engaging as it may be, I have to fight to keep my eyes open. It just wouldn’t do to fall asleep in front of two thousand people...even if it does not involve toppling over.

[At least I don’t have to worry about being caught napping on the bimah on Yom Kippur and having a video slapped up on YouTube. No photography on Yomim Tovim.]

So have a little rachmones for Bill Clinton. It could happen to you!

Sleeping Beauty
Mr. Debonair takes an impromptu snooze while out shopping.

FACIAL HAIR

I see from the comments to a recent post that some of my Esteemed Readers have noticed the recently-birthed excrescence of fuzz on my Upper Lip.

Elisson and the Pencil=Thin Moustache

Yes, Elisson is now sporting a Pencil-Thin Moustache.

My Grandpa Abe wore a pencil-thin moustache. I remember watching him shave, back in my Snot-Nose Days, and being amazed at how he kept that baby trimmed so neatly. It gave him a certain amount of Movie-Star Brio. Well, it won’t be doing that for me, but it provides a certain amount of personal amusement...and I’m all about the amusement.

How long it’ll remain is anybody’s guess. I’ve been going clean-shaven for the past five years, and I have gotten used to scraping my entire face, without having to worry about trimming around any hairy obstacles. She Who Must Be Obeyed, no doubt, will be the final arbiter on the question of whether it stays or goes.

But the Moustache and I have had a long history together...as I once documented on this very site.

How long? Well, I grew my first moustache when I was a senior in high school...thirty-eight years ago, if anyone gives a Rat’s Ass. And I kept that lip covered, more or less continuously, for the next 32 years. The sole exception was the year Elder Daughter (then, Only Daughter) was born. I shaved it off shortly after she arrived and grew it back a year later, where it stayed (sometimes accompanied by a beard) until November, 2002.

Here’s the evidence, from the Pile o’ Expired Passports:

Elisson’s Passport Pix
Passport photos from (left to right) 1978, 1984, and 1993.

The ’stache, in all its Brushy Glory, is there in all of these pictures. That, and a lot more hair up top. But that’s another story.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Love at First Sight
“Oh, boy! For me?

They say cats cannot read, and that they have limited pattern-recognition capabilities. The yappy dog on the television screen holds no interest for them, as their brains do not connect the two-dimensional image of an object with the object itself.

Matata, however, knows when a new shipment of kibble arrives. She knows what’s in that sack...and it’s love at first sight.

I don’t know how she knows...association, perhaps?...but as soon as that sack of Fresh, New Food shows up, you can forget about getting her to eat the aged remnants at the bottom of the Feed Bin.

“That dried out shit? Naw, I ain’t goin’ near that, homes. Hakuna’ll eat it. I’m waiting for the new stuff.”

The Gateway

The internet is an amazing gateway to . . . well, almost everywhere. And everywhen, as well. I'm at work now on my book for 2009 -- what I think of as Miss Birdie's book even though it's tentatively titled The Day of Small Things. I'm trying to summon up the girlhood appearance of Aunt Belvy -- who was in her eighties when I wrote about her in Signs in the Blood -- so I Google 1930 - hairstyles - clothing.

And hey, presto, there it is! The bob, the Buster Brown cut -- just like pictures of my mother when she was a girl. I have the look I needed to write the character.

For this book I'm going to need to know about logging in the twenties, moonshine (called 'blockade' around here) in the thirties, rationing in the forties -- and for all of these, Google is my friend. I have lots of reference books on this area and I read them to lay down a base of knowledge. But for the odd question that pops up while I'm in mid-chapter --What, exactly, do brogans look like? -- the answer is literally at my fingertips.

While I'm on the subject, here's a link to the website of a friend and neighbor of mine.

www.robamberg.com

Rob's a well known documentary photographer who's spent about thirty years photographing the people and places of our county -- the inspiration for Elizabeth's Marshall County. (There's even a picture of and interview with Kathy, the woman who's the inspiration for Sallie Kate, Elizabeth's realtor friend.)

It's an amazing tool, the Internet. From Gypsy cobs and caravans, mountain curs and Cherokee magic to Polari and palmistry -- the only danger is in finding myself following link after interesting link till I've forgotten my original question.
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HIJACKED!

One of the Minyan Boyz - a fellow Online Journalist - came back from a brief hiatus to find his blog overrun by spam.

Not spam trackbacks - he doesn’t have trackbacks.

Not spam comments. We’ve all had to deal with spam comments at one time or another, and keeping up with them can be a major effort, depending on your commenting platform. [Check out Velociman’s archives: you’ll see a veritable treasure trove of Penis-Extension Advertising.] Fortunately, Haloscan makes it relatively simple to catch comment spam, even when it attacks old archived posts.

Not even spam blogs. I’m sure you’ve seen these revolting sites, sites with no original content of their own. They steal excerpts - or even entire posts - from real blogs, slapping them up in order to draw traffic to their own ad-filled crap-ass sites.

I’m talking about spam blogposts.

There are, it seems, spambots out there that can winkle out your password and start slapping spam posts up on your blog. Gaaaah!

My Minyan Buddy changed his password and deleted the pile of crap that had attached itself to his site over the past week...but now new spamposts are showing up. This is scary.

It means that everyone is vulnerable.

Anyone out there seen anything like this, or heard of it happening elsewhere? Has your blog ever been hijacked?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

BLACK DAY ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Heath LedgerO, let us lay a Funeral Wreath
Upon the grave of Ledger (Heath),
Who nevermore shall draw his breath
And sleeps in the embrace of Death.


For all that I’m tempted to be sardonic and jokey about Yet Another Celebrity Death, I just can’t bring myself to do it in the case of Heath Ledger, who died today in New York City, apparently as the result of an overdose of sleeping medication. Intentional or inadvertent, it’s too early to say.

Ledger was 28 when he passed on to that Great Soundstage in the Sky. I can relate to that, for I have a 28-year-old daughter. It’s frightening to imagine death at that early an age...but, alas, it happens. Just ask She Who Must Be Obeyed, whose sister died at the age of sixteen. It is beyond painful.

I recall first seeing Ledger on the screen in The Patriot, a 2000 film that starred Mel Gibson before he revealed himself to all the world to be a Gaping Asshole. Ledger had notable roles in Monster’s Ball and A Knight’s Tale, his performance in the former so heart-rending that I could not bear to watch the whole film. More recently, he was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Ennis Del Mar in 2005’s Brokeback Mountain, which just had to be a serious acting challenge (a gay what?!!?) any way you slice it. At the time of his death, Ledger had two movies in the can: The Dark Knight, in which he played the Joker to Christian Bale’s Batman; and I’m Not There, a film based on the life of Bob Dylan in which Ledger played one of several fictional characters based on Dylan. He was a talented young actor who, so far, had managed his career well and who had a bright future ahead of him. No more.

My bet is that no foul play was involved, and that Heath Ledger was the victim of carelessness and/or unlucky biochemistry. And that’s even more of a tragedy than if he were the all-too-commonplace victim of Hollywood excess and self-indulgence, in which case we could all complacently reassure ourselves that, well, “he brought it upon himself.” Heath Ledger’s untimely death, instead, reminds us that the Unexpected Visitor is always lurking just around the corner, and that success and vibrant youth cannot dissuade him from his dark mission.

Godspeed, Mr. Ledger.

The Kindness of Strangers



Like Tennesse Williams' Blanche DuBois, "I have always relied on the kindness of strangers." So when my car door accidentally shut and locked this morning at the recycling center, leaving me on the outside and my keys, cell phone, and wallet with spare key and AAA card on the inside, I looked around for help. The man who guards the dumpsters was in his little building and I sought him out. He had no phone, but did have a CB radio and and offered to call the police to get someone to bring a Slim Jim -- that flat metal thingie they can slide between the window and the door to open the lock. I wasn't sure; I thought I remembered from the last time this happened (maybe seven years ago, at a different location) that the locksmith who came said that the Slim Jims could damage these newer electronic locks.

My husband has a spare key to the car -- but he was at work in his woodworking shop back at the farm -- no phone. Both my sons live a stone's throw from the shop and one works at home -- all I needed was to call and ask whichever one I got to go explain to his father that his mother had done a really dumb thing and needed some help -- in the form of the spare key. So, accosting a man who was dumping his garbage, I explained my situation and asked to borrow his cell. No problem; glad to be of help. Unfortunately, all I got were answering machines -- on which I left weird semi-coherent messages. Meanwhile, another man was eyeballing my car door -- which, though locked, had not closed tight. "I can get in here," he told me, wiggling his fingers in the crack. "I just need a coat hanger." Luckily, this being the dump and recycling center, a coat hanger was available.

A little fiddling, a little re-shaping of the coat hanger to provide a loop at the end, and he'd done it! I asked what I owed him (the standard thing to say around here) and he said, "You don't owe me a thing (the standard response). Then he narrowed his eyes. "You're not from here, are you?" he asked. I admitted the truth -- I'm one of those damn Florida people; I've only lived here thirty-two years.

We had a great conversation -- he grew up here but lived in Louisville for many years. Now he's retired, back living on the old home place, and raising mushrooms. When I told him we had a few shitake logs and my husband had just ordered spawn for oyster and chicken of the woods mushrooms, he gave me his card and invited us to come see his farm. Turns out he knows my web mistress, who also grows shitakes commercially, and, what's more, he's her husband's second cousin. We had just finished our chat when a pickup truck from the fire department arrived, in answer to the dumpster guardian's call. I waved my thanks from inside my car where I was leaving fresh messages on my sons' phones, telling them that I'd been rescued.

What started as a major hassle and waste of time, turned into a really pleasant experience -- the rewards of life in a small county. And many thanks, Mr. Treadway, we'll be over to see the mushrooms soon!
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RESTIN’ IN DESTIN - WINTER EDITION

Seaside View
View from the 12th floor, Hilton Sandestin Resort.

It’s been our tradition, since returning to Atlanta ten years ago, to spend a week at the beach every summer. The beach, in this case, refers to Destin, located between Pensacola and Panama City on Florida’s panhandle. The travel industry folks like to call it the Emerald Coast; it also carries the popular sobriquet “Redneck Riviera.” Destin is an increasingly popular tourist destination - perhaps too much so - but it’s a fine place to unwind, lie on the beach or by the pool, and drink plenty of Adult Beverages. The water is clear and blue-green, the sand a brilliant white.

Beach Fences
Fences serve as windbreaks on the desolate beach.

This year, we decided to check out Destin in the off season, something that our friends Gary and JoAnn have done on several occasions. While we may not have spent any time on the beach - it was way too cold for that - we were able to enjoy the place in the absence of all the summertime mobs. We could get a table at any restaurant we chose, no waiting necessary...and as bitterly cold as it was, it was paradisiacal compared with Atlanta, which got hammered by yet another blast of wintry precipitation within hours of our departure Saturday morning.

We eschewed parasailing and sunbathing, instead spending our time at the local shopping venues and the movie theatres...and at the Hilton’s excellent spa. A lengthy workout, followed by a Swedish massage and sessions in the whirlpool and steam room, and my heart felt like an alligator. Sure, it’s self-indulgent. That’s why they call it “vacation”!

There’s always time for narrishkeit - foolishness - when you’re traveling with Elisson. Hey, check out these fine Jackass Pants!

Jackass Pants
Pants fit for a Jackass.

And there’s the inevitable visit to the Kitchen Supplies store, the perfect place for a Colander Borg-Man Photo Op:

Colander Borg-Man Strikes Again
Fine Metallic Headgear at Bargain Prices!

One of our favorite places is facing the wrecking ball. Favorite not because we’ve ever stayed there, but because I can’t resist bellowing its name in a Sydney Greenstreet and/or John Housman voice whenever we drive past it...

Murmuring Surf
<SYDNEYGREENSTREET> “Murmuring Surf!” </SYDNEYGREENSTREET>

And the surf was indeed murmuring...practically whispering. The Gulf was preternaturally calm until the morning we left, its surface a sheet of sparkling glass from horizon to horizon, its shores bereft of the usual hordes of sunbathers.

Harris Ocean
A becalmed Gulf of Mexico sparkles with multicolored fire in this Harris Shutter image. [Click to embiggen.]

We went downtown to AJ’s for dinner Sunday evening. During the summer months, the place is packed to the rafters and you can barely hear yourself think. Not now.

Magnificent Desolation
Magnificent desolation at AJ’s.

Except for perhaps one or two other tables, we had the whole fucking place to ourselves. Yowza!

Me and the Missus
Me and the Missus.

Gary Looks Serious
Gary, looking unusually serious.

Monday morning, it was off to Baytowne Village for a quick breakfast. There was, astoundingly, a skating rink set up there, where you could skate to your heart’s content for less than a sawbuck. Not too many takers, we noticed.

Gary, JoAnn, and SWMBO
Gary, JoAnn, and SWMBO at Baytowne Village.
“Will you hurry up and take the Gawd-damned picture? We’re freezing our asses off!”

And then it was time to make the five-and-a-half hour trip back home, where a few patches of unmelted snow lingered in shade-protected spots. It had been a good weekend to be away...

...and we’ll look forward to our next Destin sojourn in mid-June.

HDR Seashore
Sunrise in Sandestin.

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